Dino Baskovic Can't Lose

That was my key takeaway from my self-imposed Facebook moratorium last month. Get a monkey. Fast. And make it update my Facebook account.

I'm far too busy with Twitter now, plain and simple. All that retweeting and hashtagging, it takes work, you know? My Klout is, like, 60 or something. I don't really know what that means, but if it dips to 59, I can't guarantee anybody's safety is all I'm saying. And Quora? I'm posing some really insightful questions on there and suddenly I have all these followers. That's too much responsibility to bear if you ask me. Or Quora.

Never mind how freakin' productive I've been offline. I finished entire chapters of books, refilled prescriptions and cleaned not one but two desks. You try doing that while keeping up with everybody's predictions for Bristol Palin post-Dancing With The Stars. One Saturday, I even thought of subverting a small government. But really, bringing down a dictatorship with Facebook? That'll be the day...

Too much multitasking, man. I love "friending" old friends and all, but I can get a monkey to do that for me while I'm shoveling snow or mulch or whatever it is I'm shoveling that day. Teach it to accept friend requests from only those that owe me favors and believe you me, I do not forget whose bar tab it is next. And when Zuck starts selling my deets to Madison Avenue, I can train my monkey to swing back with a DDOS attack while I eat a club sandwich.

(The monkey will of course make the sandwich, though without the whole wheat crap. Millbrook for me. And that will go on Facebook, too.)

So a helper monkey it is. For Facebook, for sandwiches, for the children. And nobody better touch my monkey.

Oh, I did learn actually learn a thing or two from my Facebook-free February. Nothing earth-shattering. No major epiphany. But plenty of small ones, which I will share in no particular order pretty soon. Or the monkey will share on my behalf. I have yet to decide.

No monkeys were harmed in the posting of this blog.